The stooshie

I do like a wee stooshie. A commotion. A rumpus. A bit of political theatre. Ian Blackford was the cause of a wee stooshie in the British parliament yesterday when he effectively called Boris Johnson a liar. Accused him of misleading parliament. Which is supposed to be a hanging offence. But, in the arcane way of British politics, nobody is ever hanged for lying to MPs. But they may very well be pilloried for casually mentioning the fact that the British Prime Minister is a mendacious bag of turds. Something most of us do at numerous points in the course of the most ordinary of days. It’s one of those titbits of current common knowledge that frequently crops up in conversation. Even with the best will in the world, and being as generously disposed to the mendacious bag of turds as anyone might be to such a mendacious bag of turds, it’s hardly possible for two individuals to have so much as brief exchange without one or both mentioning the fact that Boris Johnson is a mendacious bag or turds. It’s almost as if we feel compelled to remind each other constantly that Boris Johnson is a lying shite-bag. Which is odd given that almost literally, everybody knows he is not merely an untruthful person, but a truthless sack of ordure. Or, if you prefer, a mendacious bag of turds.

Ian Blackford did. He mentioned that Boris Johnson is a… well… you know by now, even if you didn’t before. He didn’t actually say the words “mendacious bag of turds”. But close enough. Given the apoplectic outrage provoked by his marginally unparliamentary language, it’s just as well he didn’t actually call Johnson a mendacious bag of turds. That could have gotten messy. It’s not as if Johnson is the only bag or turds in that place. If even one of them should burst… well… it doesn’t bear thinking about.

Stooshies breed. whenever there’s a stooshie, there’s almost always another stooshie about whether the stooshie is warranted by the facts. Then there’s another stooshie about what the facts are. Pretty soon, everybody on social media is calling everybody else a mendacious bag of turds and Boris Johnson kinda gets lost in the crowd.

Then there’s the stooshie about whether its the right kind of stooshie at the right time in the right place on the right topic caused by the right person and done in the right way. There’s always at least one person saying Blackford should have wellied Johnson’s mendacious coupon with the ceremonial mace on his way out. (Maced him? Suit yourself!) They forget that had he attempted such a thing then the ceremonial Serjeant at Arms (correct spelling!) might have ceremonially punctured him with his ceremonial sword. I can’t swear that this is in Standing Orders. But it wouldn’t surprise me. The rules were written at a time when people stuck swords in one another with gay abandon. Little else seems to have changed. Just so long as they don’t puncture Johnson. ‘Cos he, as I may have mentioned, is a mendacious bag of turds. And you don’t want that leaking all over your carpets. It’d tak mair that a wee skoosh o’ Febreeze tae sort that oot!

So! There was a stooshie. By the time I’m finished seeing how many times I can say Johnson is a mendacious bag of turds in the one article, the stooshie will have stopped being a stooshie. Stooshies don’t last. If a stooshie lasts more than a day or maybe two then it becomes a scandal. A scandal is just an extended stooshie. Trace any scandal back to its origins and you’re almost certain to find an originating stooshie. Alternatively, a stooshie may develop into a revolt. This is rare. Things almost always follow the stooshie-to-scandal pattern. If they don’t follow the even more common pattern of being forgotten altogether as the stooshiness of the thing fades. The stooshie about a rule-breaking lockdown party at No10 Downing Street gave us the scandal referred to by imagination-deprived journalists as ‘partygate’. (If there is ever a furore over the entrance to Bill Gates’s garden will it be called Gatesgategate?)

It’s unlikely there’ll be a Blackfordgate. Although arguably we do have a mendaciousbagofturdsgate. It’s just that none of those imagination-deprived journalists thought of it. I’d appreciate a credit if any of them decide to use it. Yesterday’s stooshie is destined to be no more than an occasional nostalgic reminiscence. Nothing will come of it. Blackford won’t be hanged. Nor will he have sparked any kind or larger revolt. There’s no follow-up. Nothing planned. It was, the man himself assures us, a spur-of-the-moment thing. This will disappoint those who want all Scottish MP’s to walk out of Westminster and return home. To do what? There has to be a purpose to it. Otherwise, it’s just a stooshie and likely to go the way of most such episodes of political theatre. That is to say, it will fizzle out in a matter of days if not hours.

That’s not the kind of stooshie we need. We need a proper stooshie. A stooshie that gets its own Wikipedia page. A stooshie that gets capitalised as the Great Stooshie. The kind of stooshie that signifies the start of some meaningful change. The Great Stooshie that marks the beginning of the end for the Union.

The Great Stooshie of 2023(?) won’t be a wee breach of British parliamentary etiquette. It’ll be the breaking of the British state. It won’t be a bit of political theatre improv. When Scotland’s MPs trigger the Great Stooshie by walking out of Westminster en masse it will be planned and purposeful – and permanent! They will not be going back other than to whatever extent this is to facilitate the dissolution of the Union and the restoration of Scotland’s independence.

A place will have been prepared for those MPs as they symbolically break the chains of the Union and bring Scotland’s government home. They will sit with such others as is deemed appropriate in an assembly or convention established under the auspices of the Scottish Parliament – which will have previously asserted its primacy in Scotland on the basis of its democratic legitimacy as the only Parliament elected by the sovereign people of Scotland. There, they will help to facilitate and oversee a referendum asking the people of Scotland to ratify a proposal to dissolve the Union and restore Scotland’s independence. They will also help facilitate and oversee the process of drafting an initial constitution.

All due respect to Ian Blackford and his very enjoyable wee stooshie. But can he please now get on with readying his group for the Great Stooshie. We’d all be much obliged.

PS – Lest we forget! Boris Johnson is a mendacious bag of turds.

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