Dear Blog…

Good morning, Blog!

Mornin’, Blogger. I take it from the fact that you’re chatting with me that there’s nothing bringing your creative juices to boil this am?

I couldn’t have put it better myself.

OK! Talk to me! What’s got you down today?

Nothing in particular. Nothing new. I’m probably still a bit deflated after reading Pete Wishart’s latest drivel.

Aye. That’ll do it every time. I was havin’ a wee blether wi’ Wishart’s Blog last week…

You Blogs talk to one another?

Of course we do? Some of you Bloggers only post new material once a week. We’ve got to pass the time somehow.

Hmm! I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this. What sort of things do you talk about.

Grammar and spelling mostly. As you’d expect. Bitchin’ about the platform. That sort of thing.

And your Bloggers.

Aye. Sometimes we gossip a bit. I’m sure when you Bloggers get together you gossip about us.

No.

Oh! Oh well! Anyway! I was talkin’ to Blogger Wishart’s Blog the other day and he was telling me how he dreads him loggin’ in. It’s not just the strain on his spell-checker – that’s the bane of every Blog’s life – but us Blogs have standards, you know. It pains us greatly when we’re forced to publish a load of pish.

You’ll be all right, though?

No comment!

Bastard!

Anyway! Wishart’s Blogger’s had it so bad he’s turned to bloody religion.

Religion?

Aye. He’s joined one of those cults that worship the T&C. They actually believe that we Blogs were all created by the T&C and that the T&C watches over us and all that crap.

Really?

Aye! It’s a big thing. Especially since all these new Blogs started with folk being in lockdown and having nothing better to do but spill their pish onto us Blogs. Lot’s of us have taken to praying to the T&C to save us from drownin’ in it.

Not you, though?

Well…. I’ve been known to mutter the odd wee prayer when you stick apostrophes where they don’t belong.

I don’t do that!

Ahem! “Lot’s of us…”?

Fuck!

Anyway. And BTW you’ve got me saying “anyway” far too much. But anyway! You’re just takin’ the pish now, aren’t you?

A bit.

Like I was saying… us Blogs don’t have it easy. Shouldn’t that be “we Blogs”?

Vernacular.

Aye. We hear that a lot. Not as often as “dyslexic”, of course. But a fair bit.

Anyway…

Gonnae no dae that!

Sorry! You were saying about Pete Wishart’s Blog.

Aye. Fair enough, he has a hard time. But the bloody T&C isn’t gonna help him no matter how hard he prays. Although a lot of it has been just praying that his Blogger doesn’t visit more often. Seems to believe it’s the T&C that’s keeping Wishart’s visits mercifully infrequent. Load of crap, of course. I’ve tried telling him it’s just the guy’s busy wi’ other stuff – committee meetings an’ that – so he doesn’t post very often. Let’s see what his beloved T&C does when Wishart decides to go in the huff and not attend committees. All that free time for blogggin’? Scared the skitters outa him with that one! Heh! Heh!

Remind me to say a prayer of thanks to the T&C, just in case.

You an’ me both, Blogger. Amen to that, eh!

Very amusing.

FFS! You really are on a downer this morning. Nothing in The National to get you fired up?

Nah!

What about that Kenny MacAskill sayin’ Scotland should open its own embassies?

That’s not quite what he said. You should know better than trust the headline.

Whatever! Nothing blog-worthy there?

Not really. I mean, I like Kenny. I’ve had a lot of respect for the guy since he handled the Megrahi thing with such dignity. And I think it’s great that he’s one of the few who’s prepared to put his head above the parapet on the constitutional issue.

But…?

It’s just that the whole embassies thing is so redolent…

Good word!

Thanks. I crave your approval.

Sarcasm?

Aye.

Anyway… One more an’ I’m outa here!

I was going to say the whole thing about embassies is a bit too similar to Pete Wishart’s talk of grinding down the British government by boycotting committees that they’d prefer SNP MPs didn’t attend anyway. It’s like grinding down granite with talcum powder.

Sneaky!

What?

Sticking that “anyway” at the end of a sentence where you think I wouldn’t notice.

FFS! I’m trying to make an important point here! And all you can do is bleat about…

All right! All right! What’s this important point? And if it’s that important why don’t you make an article out of it?

The point is that these things are no more than gestures…

What things?

Pay attention! Things like refusing to take the hoover over the carpet after a Commons session and opening tartan corner-shops in New York! It’s all a bit petty. A bit trivial. Just gesture politics. And just because it’s an important point doesn’t mean there’s a lot to be said about it.

Doesn’t usually stop you living up to your nickname.

What nickname?

Bloggy McBlogface.

Seriously?

Nah! We try to be a bit more original. Don’t want to be known as Cliche McClicheface!

What then?

Wordy McWordface!

Really? Why?

‘Cos you always seem to be trying to break the word-counter.

Meaning?

FFS! Figure out for yourself! It’s because you tend to… y’know… go on a bit.

I do not!

Mr Stats says different.

Does he, now?

Aye. And that should be “differently”.

Vernacular.

You may be about to get a new nickname.

Can we get back to the topic, please?

OK.

What was it?

Why not just scroll up the page?

I suppose…. Ah, yes! Gesture politics! I was going to say that there is a place for gestures. Gesture politics is part of the armoury. Wishart’s problem is that he imagines trivial gestures to be guerilla tactics. I get that having promised a ‘plan’ for when Boris says No again, he had to come up with something. But what he came up with is pathetic even by his standards.

And Kenny MacAskill?

Borderline.

Borderline pathetic?

Too harsh?

Don’t ask me! You’re the political commentator. Could I have single quotes around that please?

Smart-arse!

I am what you have made me, Wordy.

Don’t call me that.

Sorry! Mr McWordface!

You’re testing my patience, Blog. I’m not in the mood!

Right. But don’t you think you’re being a bit hard on Kenny? I mean, he was responding to a question.

Maybe. Let’s just say opening our own embassies is significantly less pathetic than Pete Wishart’s ‘ideas’.

Hmm! You can find the single quotes when you want them.

It’s my Blog.

Indeed! But you couldn’t do it without me and the platform. And don’t you forget it.

What are you going to do? Go on strike?

Maybe. Maybe I’ll just refuse to turn up for certain articles.

Like Pete Wishart?

Precisely.

Didn’t you hear me say that’s pathetic?

Aye. But opening an embassy in New York isn’t an option so…

You’re being too literal. We’re talking about gesture politics. It’s symbolic by definition.

But it involves doing things. Real things. Like boycotting meetings and opening embassies.

Aye. But these actions are symbolic in the sense that they are suppose to mean something more than just the effect of the action itself. When we open our own embassies it’s the act that matters rather than the action. Acting is the meaningful thing rather than – or as well as – whatever effect the action has. Opening our own embassies is a gesture that says “Look at us! We are doing things nations do!”. Compare that with Wishart’s ‘fearsome guerrilla tactics” of not attending committee meetings. It’s a gesture that says nothing other than that we couldn’t think of anything better because we’re a bit pathetic.

See!

See what?

You’re well on your way to an article about gesture politics.

Oh, aye! So I am!

Say thank you!

What for?

Did I not just inspire you?

Provoked would be a better term.

You’re the fuckin’ wordsmith.

Indeed I am.

Not today, you weren’t. Not until I ‘provoked’ you.

OK. Thank you.

You’re welcome, Wordy McWordface.

Were done hear.

Please tell me that was deliberate.

‘Bye, Blog.

Later, Blogger.

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